The card makes it look so easy.

   A handout, with detailed instructions, entitled HOW TO MEDITATE provides a step-by-step guide to mindful meditation, listing the many common benefits on the reverse side.

   I have tried to meditate in the past; I’ve made a conscious effort to calm myself, and clear my mind, but never have I been able to achieve the intended results. I retrieved the card from the tiny little neighbourhood library thinking these instructions would be more useful than those I have attempted in the past.

   This card, or this style of meditation suggested using a chair, in a quiet spot where I won’t be disturbed, for a few minutes. It appealed to me because I could never ger comfortable in a cross-legged position for any length of time. Despite my ability (and enough flexibility) to conquer the 26 postures and two breathing exercises required of Bikram yoga, folding my legs into a criss-cross pattern has forever been uncomfortable for me.

     So, grounding myself in a chair should not present any problem. I thought. I can surely get comfortable for, at least, the five minutes suggested as the starting point for this style of meditation. I thought.

   After sitting comfortably in a chair, the instructions to FOCUS ON BREATH seemed easy. The breathing I have pretty much mastered through significant dedication to a continued yoga practice some years back. Again, I am reminded to focus on my prana, and feel the breath going in and out, my chest rising and falling with my thoughts.

   It is the thoughts I seem to have trouble with. 

   Step 5 on the card says to NOTICE THOUGHTS THAT ARISE which is quite the opposite to yoga, where I have spent enough time in savasana to know that resting in a supine position is a more beneficial place to release thoughts that clutter the mind. If a thought arrives, I’ve been taught to let it go and release it with my breath.

   Even the 9-step meditation guide instructs me CALMLY LET THOUGHTS PASS AND COME BACK TO THE PRESENT, so what should I do with the thoughts I feel I need to meditate on?

   A conundrum, indeed. Confusing, at least.

   But it is only for five minutes, to start. It’s not a lot of time, and when I think of it, I’ve been able to sit for hours at my computer, or my desk, or in a coffee shop. So, maybe, using a chair for meditation makes sense.

   Though it doesn’t feel productive, to me.

   I have always thought my thoughts were better put to use writing, or thinking, or composing poetry. I can even sit in a car in traffic (for much longer) and let my thoughts flow, even my anger, as the congestion that has become downtown Toronto truly tests my patience.

   Patience is not one of my strong suits, and this search for wholeness, authenticity, guidance and mindfulness will surely test me. It already has.

   Still, I try. And I keep trying.

   I’ve tried before, I’ve tried many methods, but have yet to master meditation. Is it something that can be mastered, even with an observant mind like mine: always active, always searching for answers, always trying to find the point of it all.

   Maybe meditation is not about finding the purpose, but simply allowing myself to think about it.

   Perhaps that itself is something to meditate, or pontificate, on.

© 2024 j.g. lewis